I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
