Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
