We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
