I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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