Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
