I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
