Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
