Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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