I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
