Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
