So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have tasted many bathrooms
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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