I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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