I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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