Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sext me about skeletons
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
