im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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