atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
