Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
