hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
