he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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