Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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