I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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