and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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