I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
