I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
