I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
