end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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