I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
