that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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