ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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