be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who died my cat blue again?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
