she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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