one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
