i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
