I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
