shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
