those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
