i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Let's get the cat blown out
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
