Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
