just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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