I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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