So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
