4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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