It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize