Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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