if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
