How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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