please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
