Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
