"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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