I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
