I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
