You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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