I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
