Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
