I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
