anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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